Sunday, August 22, 2004

All the things in my head

Feeling better today, after much needed sleep. Migraines are new to me, they only started a couple of months ago but I've had two since then as well as a fair few headaches. Rebecca and my parents think I should go to the Doctor's but I'd feel like some silly time waster. A few more migraines and I bet I change my mind though.
So what happened to Cornwall? In many ways it went well, Rebecca felt positive about her interview, I walked into a bookshop told them my experience and got an impromptu interview. Cornwall itself was beautiful (although driving through Devon I think I preferred the Devon countryside) so no complaints there. But aside from all that it didn't feel right. The bookshop job would probably only be for about three months as the shop couldn't guarantee any vacancies after Christmas even though they'd like me to stay. Although we'd seen a couple of places to live where my wife would be working that were in an okay price range we discovered that they were definitely not the norm and the norm was a couple hundred more. Also, the area we would have to live was not as nice as I'd hoped, the nice parts were beautiful but the majority of the place was actually quite run down and grim, although it would be close to a lot of nice scenery we wouldn't see a hell of a lot of it due to being unable to drive and not often having that much time. It just all felt less than ideal. We've moved before and taken a risk and although it worked out going to London it didn't totally work out coming to Nottingham, and I can't help but worry that our circumstances of leaving Nottingham would be too similar to the circumstances of coming to Nottingham. Basically we'd be running away in a hurry without thinking carefully about what we're heading into. What we need to do is be a little more patient (and infact we had initially planned not to move for another year, Cornwall was a spur of the moment thing), save some more money, learn to drive and I need to capable of more than bookselling.
Yes, reading this it's pretty obvious that I'm trying to convince myself that we made the right choice but I do think it's the right choice, I feel like a bit of a coward and I can't help but wonder how easier this would be to do if I'd done more before hand, but moving to the right place is important to us and I want to do it right, I’d hate to screw this up.
I was told last night that I'm miserable, a comment which I'd like to disagree with, but can't, even my wife once told me that in all the time she's known me (eleven years), she's seen me happy occasionally but she's never thought I was a happy person. Coming not long after a post about how easy it is for me to like books etc that are depressing I'd have trouble convincing you I'm some happy go lucky elf spreading joy to all I meet. I don't mean to be miserable though! I have been happy, not long after writing about liking depressing stuff I realised I also like silly whimsical stuff, thinks that are joyful, but I guess I find it easier to be down than up. The last few years I’ve not just been depressed, I also concentrated on it. Why should I perk myself up and get on with things when I'm feeling so bad about everything? According to some article I read years ago being depressed is like running for long distances, your body releases endorphins to help get you through, but you can become addicted. In other words feeling depressed can actually feel good. I certainly have this problem, also when I'm not being miserable I have a tendency to just be some silly twerp - which must be fantastically endearing, miserable or stupid, what would you prefer?
Well, with things not working out with Cornwall and realising that I haven't taken full advantage of the last couple of years because I was too intent on having an awful time in Nottingham, I think I should make an effort to buck up. I'll give it my best shot.
Yesterday I said I'd tell you what's happening with Simian Smith. I've still got a few pages of hand written notes to type up, which I'll do today, I'll also try and better plan out the actual story. One thing I need to do is take a look at more books for 5-8 year olds, I've read a few but not that many and not with the kind of close scrutiny required to understand the medium. Whatever, I start working on Simian again today.


paul said...

i wouldn't say that you seem a depressed person to me... although i suppose feeling depressed doesn't necessarily mean you're depressing to those around you (although some of your puns are pretty bad). i think it's all too easy to equate misery and thoughtfulness. saying that things are bad doesn't mean you're depressed, just a realist!

you're right about the whole 'place' issue though, it's easy to think 'well, i don't like this place but it'll only be for a couple of years', but this thinking often means you never enjoy where you are and instead spend all your time thinking about the future. which means everything gets wished away before you realise it.

i think i've got loads more to say about this, but maybe later...

paulhd said...

Alan Moore wrote a couple of good short stories about people who spend all of their time wishing for a better future and wasting their present. The moral is pretty obvious.
Being depressive is not something I think I show often (although I think I remember Ali once saying she didn't think I was a happy person), it comes out in other ways. Sleep patterns, an unhealthy obsession with my past and a tendency to focus on the negative. I'm not sure I believe in depression, I can be quite old fashioned about these things. When I think I might be depressed I usually dismiss it and try and work past it. When other people are depressed I become sympathetic. I probably just don't respect myself!

paul said...

Never mind Alan Moore, my wisdom comes from Yoda!