Tuesday, September 20, 2005


I’m in a rut. It’s still warm from the last time I was there actually. Work’s probably the main reason, it’s hectic, it’s exhausting and it’s frustrating. When I get home there’s no energy left in me for the things I usually enjoy. Writing and drawing are the first things to go when I get like this but then I don’t exactly enjoy them as such, I mean I enjoy what the need to write and draw makes me do sometimes but it’s a struggle so they’re the first things to suffer. I stopped reading halfway through a book I was enjoying, the comics I’ve been rereading are really good but I’m only rereading them because I’m familiar with them. I’m not making choices about what I eat, in other words I’m eating a fair bit of crap but mainly what I eat is uninspiring and it’s boring eating it and I’m eating more of it because I’m bored. Am I exercising? Am I hell. I like exercising. Still not doing any though.
Blaming work is probably only part of the story of course, but I can’t put my finger on the rest of it, other than habit, or stupidity.
The most annoying thing about all this is that it’s pathetic. I just want to slap myself and snap out of it. Of course the only thing that gets me doing stuff again is just getting on and doing stuff, but that’s really really hard. It’s hard until I do it, then I become unbearable going on about how it’s really easy and I should have done it earlier.
Sorry for the self pity, normal self obsession will be resumed as soon as I get over myself.


Danny said...

Man... I know how you feel right now... Work related knackeredness is a big part of it, but yeah I guess there's a psychological hurdle as well. Peaks and troughs I suppose....

Sorry, this probably isn't helping much!!

Anonymous said...

gah, im right there too.. i am so tired and just want to sleep. but sleeping makes me more tired and more tired makes me more grumpy and restless which in turn means that if i do think of something to do, i dismiss it instantly because i just dont feel like doing it.

it's a terrible loop to get stuck in but you just have to give yourself a kick up the arse or a shock situation to make yourself snap out of it.

Eating pies, watching Men and Motors and blowing your cash on Macs (mini or big) isnt going to get you anywhere apart from back to square one.

i hope you find a way to break your loop and that it doesnt break you first.

paulhd said...

Cheers fellas, misery loves company so it's good to know that others must suffer as I must suffer.
Reese, the sleep thing is an utter pain. I want to nap all day up until about 9pm when I suddenly get worried that bedtime is looming and I've done absolutely nothing so I avoid going to bed until at least 1 or 2 in the morning yet get nothing of worth done because I'm too tired. This ridiculousness is compounded by my deep love of sleep and inability to get up properly leaving me knackered for the rest of the day ready to repeat the process.
The kick up the arse is coming as it nearly always follows the self pitying stage. I guess I just have to get myself utterly fed up with my behaviour before I do something about it - kind of like winding up for a really big arse kicking.

Nimiwey said...

After what seemed to be a decade-long depression, I'm in the kick in ass phase of things. I'm going to lose forty pounds (Something in stones I don't know, we in modern day life measure ourselves in pounds, don't buy things with them). Joining a soccer team is a start, I love to play but finding the time to tie down lactating knockers can be frustrating (don't I have a beautiful knack for articulating the peculiarites of mammalia?) That's it, rut, I'm out, one foot at a time. Join me, won't you? Truth be told I have the BEST job in the world which consists of ironing, doing dishes, and raising our two children. (Yes, I do windows.) I feel more fulfilled than ever! You should feel better at least vicariously!!

paulhd said...

I tend to believe depression is something other people suffer from and refuse to accept I've ever had it. This is clearly bollocks as I've gone through some of the symptoms to almost cliche extremes. Must be my 70's small town North East mentality - denile is good for the soul.
40 pounds would be about, uh, 3.5 stone I think. I really need to put weight on (I just saw some photo's of myself from the wedding last week and I am one long thin streak of piss - the suit hold up though, as does the burns, the down side is I have a small head and the piggy nose of an ugly baby. My wife on the other hand looks great) but can only usually manage a pot belly.
I am feeling a little better today, although that's mainly due to eating a lot of sweets.
I reckon raising kid's is probably the best job in the world, but not one I'm cut out for, I'll settle for warping their minds by writing for them.
Thanks for the image of your lactating breasts, I'll treasure it.... but I'm not telling you when.

Nimiwey said...

OMG. That's hot.

Anonymous said...

Last January i decided that i would lose 3 stone beginning on 1st February and I aimed to lost it within 3 months. I chose February because it got the waist increasing Christmas well out of the way. I decided to go for the Atkins diet (which was a lot more popular then that it seems now). So i began and within those three months i did indeed lose my 3 stone. It was so easy. Part of the diet involves consuming a lot of protein and combining that consumption with my twice-a-week swim at Bottisham just outside of town, i gained a lot of muscle (steady, ladies). Protein promotes muscle growth when you consume it and then exercise, say, two or three hours after eating something like a load of chicken (the best source of protein).

So.. if you're not a veggie then i'd advise you to consume lots of protein and exercise regularly to build yourself up.

As an experiment, i stopped going swimming for about 3 months to see whether this made any difference - the only real difference was that i felt lethargic. Once i'd resumed, i had returned to having energy.

Earlier on on this posting i've mentioned that i'm tired and sleepy, this is down to being desperate to move house but that relies on my desperation to change jobs.

It's all to easy for people to be classed as suffering from depression and there is generally a stigma attached to that. Everyone gets depressed at times but then that's just how modern life builds you up and knocks you down. Transpose your depressive energy into something else that's creative - writings for instance. I've written what i've considered to be some great dark songs when i've been feeling low and completely fed-up.

Anonymous said...

nimiwey said: Join me, won't you?

I dont know, all those knockers might be too much for a little boy like me.

paulhd said...

The Atkin's diet isn't for me as I'm a veggie (sort of, the only meat I eat is fish) and I never liked the sound of it, side effects and all.
You're right about the protein, but it's difficult when the only meat you eat is fish (and only occassionally as Rebecca can't stand it) and dairy protein is high in fat. I probably only need to put on about half a stone (and I'd rather it was muscle and not fat) so it shouldn't be too hard, once I stop moping around comfort eating.
Wish I could funnel that depressive energy into something creative but I tend to work better when I'm happy (or at least not skulking around) I think it's a bit of a vicious circle, when I'm unhappy I stop writing/drawing and I get unhappy when I'm not writing/drawing.
Anyway, Land of the Dead is going to cheer me up tonight and I've got a week off in a weeks time which should really cheer me up.

Danny said...

Amen to that! I'm feeling a darn sight better for not having had to get up so damn early... And with that fatigue goes the moping. I usually find that the one cause the other, and if I'm not tired I can be rather irritatingly chipper. I don't think I've ever truly been depressed, not clinically anyway.

The energy from those low moods can be useful, but I've never been able to address them directly. It's almost like I'm a little embarrassed about them, or worried I'd just do it badly. Waste Paper shouldn't have stopped when I stopped it last year, I suppose, or rather I could have used it to explore what was going on at the time. I did address it obliquely in the first of the four strips I drew this year, and I'm glad I waited...

Nimiwey said...

Reeseporter, my my what sexy eye you have.

I've been pretty damned depressed before and writing just exacerbated the problem (tee hee I said exacerbated) I get too self-absorbed. The firestorm on my blog has caused Nebur to no want to hang out with me anymore, ugh. I'm glad I called him out, though. It's kinda depressed plus this bitch cold is bringing me down.

I've tried everything to lose weight short of diet and exercise.

Nimiwey said...

I avoid empty carbs like (well not sugar) processed bleached foods like white pasta and replace it with whole wheat pasta. I know why I've gotten fat so I know where to start with that. I eat wheat bread, but should probably avoid gluten. I eat way too much processed sugar. I think avoiding empty carbs and not eating a gallon of ice cream a night should do the trick. I'll start walking...soon...I mean it...